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Your One Stop Shop For Bad Grammer!
I had a serious sunglasses crisis the other day. See, I have really sensitive eyes. They tear up easily and I have to squint against even a glare off gray clouds. It’s quite sad really. I run around looking like an albino bunny most of the time, nose twitching, eyes narrowed to slits. So sunglasses are a necessity, especially during allergy season when they have the added benefit of keeping dust and pollen and such out of my eyes. Normally I have no problem hanging on to my sunglasses, they’re in my purse, my backpack, or on my desk. Actually, I need them so much when I’m driving that I keep an emergency backup pair in my car, just in case I can’t find the primary pair. Very organized and well stocked, right? This all started to change about a month ago when my old faithful primary pair (which I’d had for a year and bought for about $10 at Target) finally gave up the ghost. I immediately moved to my backup pair and then went out to buy a new good pair. Welll ... I couldn’t really find anything great so I got a backup-backup pair and promoted the old (not quite perfect) backup pair to primary position. Two weeks later and I’m still using a less than satisfactory pair of primary sunglasses. Sacrilege! Then, in a moment of extreme stupidity, I left the temporary-primaries on the floor in the middle of a drunken party. “Oops, I stepped on someone’s glasses.” “What? Oh, eh.” “Who’s are they.” “Like I care, anyone stupid enough t-- AAH! My sunglasses! You stepped on my sunglasses!” “Yeah. That’s what I just said.” “But ... my sunglasses. They’re broken.“ “ ... Sorry?” “I’ll have to get a backup-backup-backup.” “Dude, You’ve had too much rum.” So now I was left with the completely crappy backup-backup glasses. Let me tell you, these things are ugly. They’re kind of an olive green and they’re about a size too small so they pinch the sides of my face. You know, I don’t think I ever would have bought those, so I must have found them. I wonder what happened to the backup-backup pair that I bought? They’re probably somewhere with all my socks, having a grand ole time. Anyway. One pair of glasses. Butt ugly. Then on Tuesday, I’m heading out the door for a full day spent on campus. It’s hot, really sunny, and a dry breeze is blowing. I can tell it’s going to be a really bad allergy day. Also? It’s nine in the morning and (shhhh!) I have a hangover. I’m heading out the door and I do the top of the head pat and ... WHERE ARE MY SUNGLASSES!? I spent the next (and I am not kidding here) twenty minutes tearing my apartment apart looking for sunglasses. I braved untold amounts of spiders and sifted through my entire laundry pile. I went down to my car and crawled under all the seats. I gave up on mine and spent another five minutes looking for a pair of my roommate’s to steal. No dice. I was actually making myself late for class. I even considered skipping so I wouldn’t have to go outside, but I have like five classes on Tuesday (one of which was a final) and I didn’t think, “I lost my sunglasses.” would fly too well with my professors. Then followed a period of irrational and counterproductive rambling. “Why does no one run a sunglasses place that delivers. Huh? Huh? WHY!? Is everyone but me a moron?” Eventually I stumbled, sunglasses-less down the streets of IV, blind as a bat and squinting. (I actually bumped into a lamppost at one point. No one noticed ... I don’t think.) Halfway to campus I stopped at the IV Bookstore. Safe haven! Surely they’ll have sunglasses. They did, but sadly not the kind I wear (which wrap all the way around the sides. Sun shines from the side too, you know.) So I had to settle for a pair the blocked the sun if I was facing it, but did little else. The shading sucked and they were pretty ugly, to boot. Considering the selection, I’m lucky they didn’t have rhinestone hearts on them. I hated those sunglasses with all my soul. But I bought them and wore them. Once on campus, I went into the University Bookstore and immediately bought another, slightly more satisfactory, pair. The first pair was immediately demoted to backup-backup-never-again-unless-a- nuclear-apocalypse-destroys-the-world’s-sunglasses-supply status. The University Store ones were good, solid backup quality. I was at this point, a good twenty minutes late for my first class. But it mattered not! I had sunglasses! I could face the world. So y’all, on Tuesday, before 9:30 am, I bought two pairs of sunglasses. Two days later, while walking down the street and digging through my purse I promptly pull up (what else?) The original backup-backup’s. My friends became concerned when I threw my bag on the ground and began cursing at it. I now own three pairs of sunglasses, backup, backup-backup, and not-in-a-million-years-unless-I-lose-my-other-pairs-again. And you know what? I still need to go shopping for a primary pair. 10:38 p.m. May 23, 2004
“Y’all aren’t from around here, are ya.” - August 21, 2005 |
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