Like, say, hypothetically speaking, I were trying to stalk track down for totally non-creepy reasons an old “friend” from elementary school. Just out of curiosity of course. And say that he has a fairly unusual first-last name combination. But then say that the only hits that I were to get off that name on google were to be for a fifty-two year old school board member in Bumblefuck, ND. That’s when I would start to ask questions.

Questions like how. How the hell can you be in my age group, having grown up around computers for most of your life, and not have your full name on the internet at least once?

Also questions like why. As in, why do the people I knew in elementary school who I randomly google for no good reason attempt to thwart me by having no internet life WHATSOEVER? How rude.

If you were to google my full name you would come up with at least five or six hits. I know, I’ve done it. Um, a lot. Those hits wouldn’t tell you a whole lot. You would know that I was in a bunch of summer theater plays (and that I had crappy parts,) that I went to All State Choir in High School and that I won an award with a really long name for a Classics essay that I wrote in Spring 2002.

All that doesn’t really tell you a whole lot about me. It does however tell you that I’m alive, and that I exist. I tell you, when I can’t find people on the internet I start to wonder, “Did he die in some really horrendous way directly after moving to Texas in fifth grade?”

Then I think, “No, if he’d died there would be an obituary and at least THAT would probably be on the internet.”

I’m consistently surprised at the amount of people who are inconsiderate enough to leave no slight internet record of themselves. My long dead relatives have more internet time than some of the people I know from grade school.

We’re not even going to get into the people who I know for sure are alive and using a computer (because I saw one in their dorm room the other day) but who I still can’t dig up any internet hits on.

C’mon people. Get with the program. I want to be able to track down at least one completely useless fact about everyone that I have ever known and everyone who is dating someone I have ever known. It’s the internet, it’s not difficult or scary. Except, of course, in the hands of someone like me.

1:20 p.m. May 28, 2004

|

“Y’all aren’t from around here, are ya.” - August 21, 2005
1:20 – 2:30 – 5th period. My Waterloo. - June 29, 2005
You know I love you. I’ll never hurt you again, baby, I swear. - May 18, 2005
Don’t be jealous. Not everyone can be us. - March 13, 2005
Conclusion: Albertsons is hiding the good Ice Cream from me. - March 08, 2005

The Many And Scary Ways They Get Here
stealing co-worker's panties ... Clio's Boobs ... Lindsey Lohan Panties ... urge to pee bad ... see through undies ... ado nudiste ... glimpse of my panties. ... vibrating excersizers poking through ... William Hung phone number ... UCSB girls are stupid ... sitting wearing short skirt ... Drunken Spring Cove

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